YFF Jan 15th/16th

I haven’t written since  like two days ago… a lot has happened. Were on the plane now. Not the first military plane we went on, but a delta flight, and were heading to NY.

Yesterday Papi and Stephen drove us to the Embassy. I said bye to everyone, and Jessie just jumped in the car. I think she was a little happy to go to say the least, I was very sad. I know I had to go, but I felt horribly guilty and bad leaving my family. My brother and father were staying for goodness sakes, how could I lend myself to happiness. When we got to the embassy we had to do a lot of waiting. I was very upset with Jessie because it felt like once we got there she was so assured that we were getting home that she seemed to be completely removing herself from her surroundings. She was reading a BOOK the entire time, there were people sitting around us with kids and injuries and the news was on talking about the earthquake in a way we hadn’t been able to hear since it was our first time seeing news in English on the earthquake. I was surprised that the coverage was so extensive, now I feel dumb to have even questioned whether people knew about it, seems funny now.

They told us that we could only bring one bag and so I started to pack all my stuff into my red duffel bag. I was taking all the things that I love the most- favorite shoes, favorite skirt. I lost A LOT of clothes and shoes… A LOT. Jessie lost even more though. For some reason she thought that they would have time to send us our suitcases… to send us our suitcases… I tried to suggest that she really consider bringing more things because they weren’t going to send crap to us being that we were in the middle of an earthquake and they sorta kinda have bigger things to worry about. But she disagreed, and so she only took a couple of things, I would’ve pushed more but honestly at that point I was really mad slash disappointed in how she was acting. I packed what I wanted the most. Later she realized that  she wanted something, and so I walked out with her and the suitcases that we put in the embassy yard (because they told us to) had been completely ransacked. Jessie’s was just gone completely, probably because she left so much stuff in there. I found mine and just took some pictures of it. I was pissed because if I had known that they were gonna make me leave a lot of things behind I would’ve given the stuff to my family, not let random strangers take my crap! But I was trying to be sensitive to how Jessie must have felt, I mean they took her whole suitcase, she was livid to say the least… understandably so.

It was really hard in the Embassy with Jessie because like the whole time we were in Haiti my dad told me to take care of her. I understand that if anyone was going to take care of her while we were in the embassy it would be me. I mean I’m the reason why she even had to live through this trauma (her family MUST BE freaking out, especially her mom), and she is my BESTEST FRIEND in the entire world, but… I was scared too, I was mad too, and I was trying so hard to be understanding to her the entire time, I kept telling myself to imagine myself in her shoes… but she didn’t bother to think of how I felt, I don’t know at least it felt that way. I wanted someone to be taking care of me, I didn’t know much more than her, and yet I felt so responsible for making sure she was okay and not leaving her alone. I yelled at her and told her she was being stupid, it just came out and I wish I could have explained to her how insensitive and selfish I felt she was being and how alone and scared I felt, but I couldn’t I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so instead I called her stupid.

I just wanted to talk to someone about how I felt, about how sad I was, about how this isn’t the way I wanted to leave Haiti, about how scared I was and am for my family, about how I feel, and I couldn’t talk to anyone… and so I was mad.

I had no food and I was starving there was no food… I asked some lady though if I could have this bag of cornflakes she wasn’t eating and she smiled and gave it to me. I wouldn’t have asked but I was starving I hadn’t eaten anything, there was no more water either. I wish I had brought some food with me, to bring here. I didn’t think we would be here this long. I saw Jessie eating, but I very well couldn’t have asked her for any food.

I made me and Jessie move to this other room, because as I was going to the bathroom I peaked in and saw that people were sitting in there, it was closer to the door, and so I reasoned that it must be a priority room. So I told Jessie we should move in there, nobody stopped us or saw us, and we just kind of went in and sat down I kept moving myself closer to the door. I don’t think we would’ve made it out at all that day if we didn’t move into that room… good thing I’m nosy. Sure enough we made it out by night fall and shuttled to the airport in vans and waited on the tarmac and then went onto the military plane that dropped us off in Florida. We had no idea where we were going until we got on the plane. I got to talk to my mom once we got to Florida, the first thing she asked was how was Jessie, I let Jessie talk to her, that hurt… I understand that everyone is worried about Jessie, I just want someone to ask how I am. I told mommy that though, and she apologized and asked me how I was very sweetly, thats all I wanted…

Once in Florida we explained our story to a Delta rep and he got us free tickets! and now were going home. Jessie and I talked, I think once we were out of such stress and for sure heading home we could let down some of the tension. I told her how I felt and she completely understood and she told me how she felt and I understood too. I’m glad we were able to talk about it. I bought some snacks to eat. My heart raced every time a plane took off, the ground kept shaking. There is like no one on this plane.

I can’t wait to see my mom and NY and everything. I am so glad to be alive, so happy to have made it. I am just so grateful… It’s not at all what I expected from this trip, and not how I wanted it to end, but I am happy that I walked away with my life. I think I have a lot of thinking to do about things after this…

16 January 2010 – Getting back home

I’m headed home! We finally boarded the military plane and it was super scary. It was loud and open and the seats were uncomfortable. I tried to sleep but was mostly unsuccessful. I read a little to get my mind off things. We landed in Fort Lauderdale and they checked us in and gave us water. I immediately called my family and then replied to some worried texts. Then I called Kirk. We grabbed some coffee at the area we were in then took a bus to the main airport. I think we were at the military airport. We got there around 3 AM and waited until 4:30 when the Delta desk opened up. We were first in line and luckily got our flights changed! Yanica and I talked about our recent problems and I realized I was being insensitive. We got on our flight ok. We also met this man who also came from Haiti and was changing his ticket. He was very nice and funny and I let him use my phone to call his house in up-state New York. My family was so glad to hear from me. Apparently we’re all over the local news. I hope no one is at the airport because I look a mess right now. I have a fairly long layover in JFK but I don’t think I’ll be able to see Kirk because he’s visiting his grandmother. Hopefully I’ll be able to see him before I start school. I’m so glad to be back. Yanica and I kept panicking in the airport because all the planes were making the ground rumble. I was also scared I wouldn’t make it to Bangor tonight but at least I would make it to JFK. This plane is actually really empty.

15 January 2010

Today we woke up around 5:30 and left. I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone really. It all happened so fast. I felt bad that I didn’t get to thank everyone for their kindness but I was also excited about leaving. We got to the embassy and now we’re just sitting here. They have the news on. I read a little of this book, The Boy in the Water. Found the Time Traveler’s Wife so I think I’ll read that instead. Packed my backpack but my suitcase was stolen from the embassy courtyard so now I’m guarding my backpack with my life. So many of my summer clothes were in there and some winter clothes like sweaters, pants, and hiking boots. Good thing I took out what I did though. I have my medicine and the sweatshirt from Kirk. My electronics except the camera. Good thing I didn’t bring my computer. It would’ve taken up so much room in the carry on. Now we’re just going to wati until we can leave. We don’t know where we will end up, but I hope NYC or NJ.

Well it’s 4:30 now and we’re still sitting in the embassy. I think maybe 2 flights have taken off since we got here. Our suitcases were stolen. Yanica is being moody so I’m avoiding talking to her but trying to stay in the same vicinity. She keeps yelling at me for no reason so I finally asked her what her problem was and she said, “You’re being so stupid,” so I cried, about everything. Still watching the news and reading the Time Traveler’s Wife. I’m about halfway through it. It looks rough out there and there are a ton of people who got here after us. I hope we leave soon but we may be spending the night here. Sucky because there is no where convenient to sleep. I think they’re flying people out in fighter/military planes and they took a load of women, children, and injured people. There’s no food here, which sucks. I’ve almost eaten all of my food. I hope they get more food and planes here soon.

Surprisingly it’s after 9 already. I’m at the airport waiting outside for a plan. They moved us out of the embassy at 8 and say they know our plane is close to leaving. I don’t know where I’m going. I’m 3/4 of the way done with my book. I met a man at the airport who is bringing 7 children who are being adopted back to the States. I think his name is Dan.

YFF Jan 14th

Yesterday might have been even worse than the earthquake day. Papi said he was going out to walk around, and Jessie and I weren’t doing anything, so I asked if we could go with him. At first he said no, but we insisted and he said okay but that we had to be careful. So we left and Stephen came with us. It was exactly how I would’ve imagined it, if I spent the time to imagine it but I didn’t because I couldn’t. Once we got to the center of Port-au-Prince (at least what I consider the center) there was just mass chaos. People were trying to dig people out of rubble, bodies sticking out from under houses, people crying people carrying dead bodies. Dead bodies littered the streets literally littered the streets. Others had covered the bodies with sheets and cardboard. I saw a little boy covered in a sheet… and there was a girl she was still in her school uniform… ugh… It was so disgusting, and I don’t mean the dead body but the concept of dead children, to me the concept of children dying from such a natural random force that no one could have predicted or controlled is disgusting. Jessie didn’t like looking at the bodies, which I understand. We were so thirsty from walking around in the heat, and we tried to buy something to drink but they were charging twice the normal amount it was crazy. This one guy as we walked buy said in English “what are you  doing in my country?” I wanted to speak in Creole and tell him its my country too, my family too, my Haiti too, but thats the fate of a hyphenated identity, by being Haitian-American or a diaspora child. I’ve been made to adopt two identities, except that its like you can’t be both. Not fully Haitian, not fully American.

After we passed the man we kept walking and Papi wanted to go one way but Stephen was saying that we should go back, and so he left. I thought that he was tired of walking. So we went with Papi and this area was even worse. People were running past buildings because they were so fragile that they could fall on us…. there were some places that looked like some people didn’t make it while walking past buildings. There were streets with so much rubble and dead people along both sides that we had to walk single file with dead arms and legs literally 2 inches from us, Papi even tripped over a womans arm, it made me cringe, he stumbled and turned around to see what tripped him and shook his head to himself I think he was a little freaked out.

So we were walking in another narrow path and this tall guy was walking towards us and I didn’t even think about it, but he was looking at me. I forgot that I had wore my gold soccerball necklace that mommy got me for my 20th birthday, my favorite necklace. I didn’t think about it because I wore it the whole time we were in Haiti every day. But today was the wrong day, and I wish I had thought about it. He walked right to me put his hand on my neck so tight and said in my ear (in creole) “your walking around here with money on your neck” I screamed (really loud) and he grabbed and popped the chain right off my neck as I ran behind Papi the man turned around and picked up a huge cinder block and walked towards us. Papi held me and Jessie and was saying “no come on, don’t do this, we don’t need this, no no no” he was speaking in a very stern voice to the man (who seemed pretty young like 25 or something) I thought the man was gonna hit Papi with the cinderblock and then lord knows what we would’ve done. But thank goodness for some reason he just said “I WANT HER CAMERA!” and pointed at the camera string sticking out of Jessie’s pocket. Papi said “its not a camera, its nothing” that made me scared because he was lying to the man. But the man wasn’t listening and just dropped the cinderblock on the ground and lunged forward and grabbed Jessie’s camera. Jessie screamed “hey!” and Papi and me told her to leave it alone and he just pushed us forward and we walked away. People just stood and watched, Papi said later that some of the men watching were with the man who was robbing us, ready to join if he needed help. We walked so fast on the way out of there, and we started taking off all our jewlery and we gave our passports to Papi and people were staring at us, and a couple of men  yelled to Jessie “CHINOIS! CHINOIS!” “CHINESE! CHINESE!” I became really self-conscious about Jessie being with us and drawing so much attention, it made me so nervous. I don’t even want to think about a different turn that whole situation could’ve taken. I feel like an idiot for wearing the necklace, I feel SO BAD that Jessie lost her camera I want to buy her a new one. I feel so sad that I lost my favorite necklace a birthday gift from my mom… ugh, I just feel so sucky right now.

By the time we made it back I was sad, mad, angry, and traumatized I think I am very traumatized by this whole experience, I don’t even know how or what I am expected to do after this…. I am so angry with the world for this! stupid earthquake its all so dumb! I am just SO angry!

Last night after we got robbed Jessie wasn’t feeling as sure of things as she was yesterday. She was going on about things and was panicky and not calm about anything I think she was crying. I calmed her down and told her it was going to be alright, that everything was going to be fine.

The scary thing that happened today was that people thought a tsunami was coming and everyone started running when a breeze came, they thought it was the water. We had just come from the bathroom (in the house) and It was the loudest noise as everyone started screaming and running Jessie grabbed my wrist so hard and didn’t let go until I said she was hurting me haha. I understand her being scared though, since she can’t understand what people are saying until I tell her. I am so glad we have our backyard to be in, because we would’ve gotten trampled. Papi and Stephen said there was no tsunami so we just stayed and watched everyone run and scream.

I wonder if people know about the earthquake… I mean people gotta know right? we keep hearing airplanes and helicopters, and some rescue workers came to the office and were pulling people out today of the rubble some were alive and that was happy, and some were dead. Today the smell was unbearable. People walked around with tissues with rubbing alcohol under their noses. I couldn’t eat with the smell, actually I have had no appetite since yesterday. Before we went out I was hungry and so thirsty that I drank non filtered water… that was probably dumb but I was so thirsty its so hot. Maybe the smell of dead bodies is making me lose my appetite. We slept in the car last night… but tonight were sleeping outside on the blankets, my knees hurt from sleeping in the car. The ground is so hard though.

YFF Jan 12th/13th

*This is what I wrote on the 13th about the 12th

Yesterday there was an earthquake in Haiti on January 12th, 2010. It happened while we were on our way to Stephens friends house, his friend has a pool. We were so excited to finally be going to a pool. Before we went though we stopped buy to visit more family, which was great to meet. I met my god mother for the first time (Adrienne) then we left her house and kept continually getting lost on the way to Stephen’s friends house. I was hot, hungry, and tired. I was sitting in the middle seat in the back of the car when we started driving up this hill (that we had already driven up) I remember an ambulance speeding around us and going in front of us with its siren on. The sound of the siren faded up ahead and then there was a loud noise. The building up ahead on our right fell to the ground just disappeared while people were running out and then I realized the car was moving. Stephen let go of the steering wheel and jumped out of the car, so Jessie went to open the door, but then he got back in, but then he screamed “get out of the car!” and Jessie opened up the car door and got out I hurried right after her. The ground was still moving under us. I looked up and the ground looked like a cement wave… I have never seen anything like that. We grabbed our stuff because Stephen said we had to leave the car. He me and Jessie under his arms, and then Jessie and I linked arms in the back of him, the three of us held on to each other, I had no idea what the heck was going on, I mean I didn’t think it was an earthquake. I was wondering what does this? what makes the ground move like a wave? and buildings fall? and everyone was running around us, some with bloody bodies and tears and screams for loved ones, ugh it was so scary it was horrible, terrified can’t even describe what I felt. I just wanted to scream what is happening!?! First we ran into a dustcloud but everyone was running towards us and we couldn’t see and I was afraid of the dust with my asthma. Then everyone was screaming to god and putting their hands in the air and waving them around, they said “c’est une trembe de terre!” (earth quake!) and thats when I knew what it was, I don’t think I would’ve thought that on my own. I think Stephen turned around because of all the people running at us. But we kept turning into dead ends where there were homes collapsed and dead people and people on the outside screaming for people on the inside caught, I guess caught under rubble I mean I hope… I don’t know what I hope or what to hope for really. Anyway we finally decided to come home and so we started walking home, thank goodness we weren’t too far. I was mad at Stephen for videotaping as he was going because I was so scared I couldn’t even think about anything except getting home. I thought (for some reason) that maybe the earthquake had only struck where we were in a 1 mile radius or something. I didn’t realize, until we had almost reached our house and the whole way I saw devastation from the quake, I wanted it to stop and it have just been in a concentrated area, but it was everywhere until we reached near the house and then Stephen started running, because he saw the office building next to the house fell in the side yard of our house. But the house was still standing, ugh thank goodness. 

I cried when I saw the crushed building next to our house. Jessie turned around and hugged me, held me and I cried because I thought for sure that when they ran out of the house they were crushed. But then we went to the lot next door and found them all sitting there all the kids were crying and some older white guy gave them all lollipops as his workers ushered him away saying they had to get him to safety. He was asking about other people but they were only focused on him he looked scared and concerned. The kids didn’t eat the lollipops, but they took them. Papi wasn’t there, Manman Sandra wasn’t there and Sandra wasn’t there. Sandra came back first and we moved up the hill more made our own spot with blankets and sheets on the ground. Jessie and I didn’t really want to sit because there were still a ton of aftershocks. I think the aftershock were even scarier than the earthquake because they kept coming one after the other, it was so scary. They kept telling me and Jessie to sit. I think we wanted something I know I wanted someone to come and tell us what to do and I wanted them to give us an answer that had nothing to do with sitting around and waiting until dark. But thats what we did… Papi came and by the time he got there I smelled like pee because stank face baby smelled like pee and slept next to and on me. I couldn’t fall asleep because of the aftershocks, I don’t think I can forget the feeling of sleeping outside on a ground that is rumbling under you. I kept crying and asking Jessie if we were gonna be alright she sounded pretty sure, but thats Jessie shes like a rock. I think she was annoyed by people praying and singing every time there was an aftershock, it was like an uproar of prayers and hands waving in the air.

Papi and I talked I sat on a car with him, and I told him I was worried about him. He said I never have to worry that he will always be okay, and I guess I knew that. There was an after shock and we both grabbed the car and everyone started praying, and he said that he didn’t understand why people were praying, he said “how could there be a god? what god would do this to people? what go would do this to Haiti? you know how many kids died? how many orphans were made today? what god did that?”… I couldn’t help thinking that he had a point… He said that he needs Manman Sandra to be alive, and that he didn’t know what was gonna happen if she didn’t make it, she was still stuck in the school. We didn’t get her out until today in the morning. Stephen cried when he saw her at the top of the hill in our backyard and ran to her and hugged her, it made me cry. We moved to our backyard once we had everyone and we set up camp here. I like it better here because its our space even though we can’t go in the house at least were in the yard. The day is moving so slowly right now though, and no one knows what is going to happen next… yesterday there was an earthquake and today were waiting.

13/14 January 2010

Today I woke up/never-fell-asleep at 6 AM. We went to sit with the other women and children on the blankets. One of the babies smelled like pee and I wanted to sleep so we came back into the truck that is in their back yard. It is an old unused truck. We were with the other baby and Yanica is sleeping now. I realized that there are some different things from home like kissing people on the cheek. We also decided we may have some PTSD like if cars go over bumps, but we won’t know until we’re back in the States.

We went out with Yanica’s dad to see the destruction in Port-au-Prince. There were so many building ruined and so many people on the streets with nothing to do. There were people selling drinks for a jacked up price because it was so hard to find drinkable water. There were dead people in the streets covered with sheets and cardboard. There were a lot of dead dogs. Most people didn’t know what to do or where to start with everything. There were a lot of make-shift tents in the city where people were camping out. The white house looked like it was cut in half and collapsed on itself. There was a rock with “Solution” written on it. I pointed it out to Yanica and we took pictures of it. It was really ironic. We kept walking with Yanica’s dad and Stephen. I brought my passport just in case we needed it but it was a pain to have in my pocket. We saw a lot of people looting stores and houses for things but we weren’t sure what they were going to use them for.

We went to a bad part of town with Yancia’s dad. Stephen didn’t come with us because he knew it was bad. I didn’t know it was going to be rougher, I thought Stephen was just tired. We walked past a church that was pretty well demolished, we had to run past one wall because it wasn’t being held up by anything and if the ground shook it might’ve fallen on us. We were walking through some cinder blocks that had fallen in the road in a line because there wasn’t much walking space. Mr. Faustin was leading us and I was in the middle and Yancia was behind. Yanica is always very aware of my safety which I appreciate a lot. We were walking along when I heard Yanica scream and grab her neck. I turned around and I saw a guy picking up a cinder block. I had no idea what was going on, I thought he might’ve touched Yanica. Mr. Faustin grabbed me and I could hear the man saying something about a camera or pictures in Creole but I didn’t know what he was saying exactly. I thought he might’ve been mad that we took his picture or something. Yanica’s dad was saying no no and he was holding on to both Yanica and me. Then the man lunged forward and grabbed the camera strap that was hanging out of my pocket. I screamed “hey!” but Mr. Faustin said leave it and turned us all around to walk away. I was so scared. Yanica said that he ripped the gold chain off her neck and that is why she screamed. Mr. Faustin told me, “It was the camera or your life.” I guess he was referring to the cinder block the guy had in his hand. I was so shaken up.

Before we were robbed I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt like I was in a movie. I was just in awe of the destruction around us and what we had endured. I was so sad seeing everyone so upset. But when that man stole my camera I suddenly realized I was here, I was still in it. I wasn’t sad about losing the camera, I was sad about losing my pictures. Yanica and her dad felt really bad. I told them not to worry about it, I didn’t care about the camera. We had to take off all our jewelry and I gave my passport to Yanica’s dad. We walked back to Yanica’s house where it was safe. I didn’t want to see any more bodies or destruction. I was scared for my life all over again.

Colby is going to be so strange. Also we are grateful that there are no guns here because a robbery at gunpoint woud’ve been much more dramatic. We were saying at least we’ll be able to go home. Also last night some people were threatening to take our goats. We were scared that they were going to attack us but we hoped that they wouldn’t hurt the women and children. There were some rumbles last night but nothing too bad. Also the people who were in a big group felt a gust of air and they all panicked that the water was coming. We were scared because we had just come from the bathroom and weren’t sure what was going on but it turned out they were just thinking the worst. They were all running for the hills (literally) and we just stood there and watched them. The rest of the day doesn’t really matter. I talked to Francky and watched a bulldozer save some people in the collapsed office building next to Yanica’s dad’s house. Ate some and then we packed to leave the next day and watched some French news. Slept outside because the car wasn’t comfortable.

12 January 2010 – The earthquake

Now only 9 more days in Haiti. I wonder if I’ll have reverse culture shock. Well not my time is cut down I’ll really have to get in gear to do everything here I really want to do. I definitely want to go to Jackmel to see a tourist city and buy souvenirs. I also want to see an orphanage but I don’t know if Stephen knows where one of those are. I also want to go to a couple of parties/clubs and Karnival next Sunday. I want to go to the beach/pool but preferably the beach.

Now I don’t really care that I don’t have anything to read. It seems so close to leaving now although it may take a while, I still have more than half to go. I hope that we get to do everything we wanted to do. Also I hope that we can spend another night at Caro’s house. It was so nice there and it was great to have internet!

-The day after the earthquake I wrote this-

Wow, so after I wrote that we went out with Stephen to go to his friend’s pool. We visited a couple family members first and got lost on our way to the pool. We were driving around and then suddenly there was a loud rumbling noise and the car started shaking. I saw a building next to us falling and there was a lot of dust in the air. I thought they were demolishing a building and Stephen was getting out of the car then he got back in then he got out again. So I got out and Yanica did after me. At first we left our stuff and then they told us to get it. Cliff and Fransisco were with us. We ran under Stephen’s arm and Cliff took our stuff. There was a lot of smoke and dust and people were bleeding and yelling in Creole. I was scared and holding onto Stephen for my life and Yanica was holding onto me. We kept running but we didn’t knwo where to go, we didn’t know where it was safe. We ran into the man with a hook hand and kind of followed him. We headed back to the house and we weren’t too far luckily. When we were close Stephen started running and we followed with Cliff and Fransisco. The big office building next to the house had fallen. Stephen told us to stay on the sidewalk. We went to the car park and found everyone from the house except Sandra, Yanica’s dad, and Mami Sandra. We found out that Mami Sandra was in a collapsed school, Sandra was at a bank which had collapsed, and we didn’t know where Mr. Faustin was. We kept feeling small tremors and everyone was screaming Jesus in Creole which sounds like “Jessie.” Everyone was crying and calling out for their loved ones.

At that point I was over with the whole earthquake thing. We were in a pretty safe spot and the men were helping Mami escape the school. I was pretty emotionless and if anything scared and pissed off. I kept assuring Yanica that everything was going to be ok. Stephen was going all over the place making sure everyone was ok. Sandra was the first to come back and she was really upset that Mami was still in the collapsed school. We sat out there until it got dark. and they brought out blankets and a candle in a bucket. I laid down but it took me forever to fall asleep because everyone was singing and crying and the ground was so uncomfortable. Yanica’s dad came back! Everyone was so relieved. He was the leader of the house and I think everyone was really worried about him. He was very calm and said “hi” to me after everyone hugged him. I let the family have time with him. I’m glad that Yanica doesn’t have to worry about her dad anymore, I had a feeling that he was safe though. The ground kept on rumbling every 15 minutes or so and that started everyone off again. I finally got to sleep but it was very uncomfortable.